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Mayonaka Densha -- Volume 6- 12

Volume 6- 12

21st Sep 2011, 7:52 AM

Volume 6- 12
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>author

HimitsuNotebook on 21st Sep 2011, 5:54 PM

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Fun fact: Jessica Queen her is somewhat channeling a character from my previous manga which will never see the light of day, named Louise Chidamari (A stuck up, slightly mental, sarcastic, rich blonde British bitch with a habit of clubbing people over the head with her lacrosse stick.)
My original design for Jessica was for her to the "Louise" type character, who is constantly angry and screaming at everyone, and in a way she did kind of turn out like Louise, only if Louise's crippling social skills were playing seriously instead of for comedy. And if she took a chill pill.

Here Jessica is acting a little too "Louise-ish", it's kind of out of character for her to be so yelly like this.



>user comments

Ninja-Kimono Disguise on 21st Sep 2011, 10:15 PM

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Interesting Himi-chan! Hm, what's your opinion about a new idea I have....I'm a fairly good writer, and I write stories on my laptop. I have recently had a good idea, and am writing a story for it. But.....it's a war story about a girl named Ivy. It's World War 3 (and America is losing) against China. AAAND, Ivy is 25% Chinese. When she finds out, she wants the war to stop, and runs away from home with her pet kitten Jasmine Lily. So, I have NO CLUE if I should even continue from there......what do you think?

HimitsuNotebook on 21st Sep 2011, 10:45 PM

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I like that premise, It's a good one! And of course I think you should continue, writing is a most wonderful thing to do (Excuse the whimsy)! One question, after said protagonist runs away what happens? Journey of self discovery? Anti-war protests? A series of gruelling events that will make her a stronger person?

Ninja-Kimono Disguise on 21st Sep 2011, 11:10 PM

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Why thank you! AND, to answer your question, she DOES help stop the war, but she doesn't do it alone (And by the way, the war takes place in 2030. New inventions). Also, it DOES make her stronger, and it also helps her meet her fathers' mom. Here is a random paragraph from the story
SNEAK PEEK
I suppose you wonder what I look like. I have long, black hair that is sometimes cut short, I like basketball, and I usually wear Navy Blue, white, or teal. I don’t like skirts very much; they’re such a drag. I prefer basketball shorts or jeans, and occasionally tights. Of course, I’m near-sighted; sometimes I wear contacts, sometimes I wear glasses.
My kitten’s name is Jasmine Lily, and I named it after my favorite type of tea & my 2nd favorite flower (I do prefer roses or violets). I would’ve named her Mirabelle, but I thought it was too much like my least favorite character in that old TV show, Mira. I like her pose in the intermissions, but other than that, she’s not that grand.

HimitsuNotebook on 22nd Sep 2011, 2:48 PM

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Good start but allow me to tell you the golden rule of writing which I myself am guilty of violating (Hey, we all do it sometimes XD). Show, do not tell. Do not just tell audience things about the characters without us seeing evidence of this, as nothing irritates people more than an informed ability. For example, just having a scene in which your main character leaves a baseball pitch after a long day of baseballing, comes home and then addresses her cat by the name of Mira would probably be more effective. Then you can explain why she named her cat Mira. One last thing, there is also nothing wrong with having characters that have the same opinion as you but try to avoid random attacks on things you don't like. People pick up on these things.
Just a few little pointers to give you. (^_^)b

Ninja-Kimono Disguise on 22nd Sep 2011, 8:52 PM

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THANK YOU!!

LupintheThird on 22nd Sep 2011, 11:15 PM

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(@ Himi-chan) So you mean to say that the audience must figure out the personality traits of the characters and see the characters develop by themselves? I agree, it's always boring if you write about the characters instead of figuring out by yourself. Anyways, just like NinjaKD, I want you to critique a story of mine. It's all inspired by the 9/11 attacks. The story is about Sayuri Sasaki (I like to make all my characters Japanese like Hats), greatest detective of her generation. Sayuri is a student of Isabelle Bennette, the Irene Adler of the 21st century. She lost her older brother during 9/11 and hates it. Her rival is Will (I haven't made up his last name yet), a smart Japanese aleck. He's captain of the kendo team at Sayuri and his's school, student council prez, has the best grades, and he's only in seventh grade! Now that we've got the intros out of the way, time for the plot. Sayuri and Will (To her dismay) go back 10 years back, a few months before the 9/11 attacks. They team up to try to make it back home, stop Osama Bin Laden and the rest of the Al Qaeda, and save as many lives as possible during the attack. How is it?

Ninja-Kimono Disguise on 22nd Sep 2011, 11:44 PM

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LUPIN-CHAN!!!! I missed you so much friend! You said that Golden-chan is going to be in your story. And you said that since I already play a roll in your other story, you won't put me in that story....right?

HimitsuNotebook on 22nd Sep 2011, 11:49 PM

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Well, not necessarily, just think of more eloquent ways to show that a character is the way that they are. Instead of just saying "This is X. X likes to watch TV a lot" you can have a scene where X is watching TV and getting all worked up about it, then we can deduce the character likes TV. Or if your character is being nice, show them being nice rather than saying "X is nice". Just a simple writing thingy. ^_^
While that is a very interesting premise with some good characters, it's a preeeetty touchy subject you're going for here. 9/11 is a little too close in our history and still effects a lot of people today, so if you don't do this story in the most tasteful way possible (however one may do so), you may upset some people. It may be better to play it safe by pushing the event back a bit to one that isn't still so deeply embedded in the public consciousness. Maybe World War II? Or even further back to the Crimean War in the 1850's where no-one in present day can still possibly be directly effected by it.
But by all means stick to the 9/11 thing if you have your mind set on it, but you have to be veeeeery delicate about it.

Lupinthe3rd on 23rd Sep 2011, 1:59 AM

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@ NinjaKD: Yes.
@ Himi-chan: I'm trying REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hard to not upset people. I really want to do 9/11, but if I get bad vibes from my friends then perhaps i'll do something different. I don't think World War 2 will work because it's too far back. What war would you suggest? Both her parents have to be alive. Or maybe she can be an orphan?

Lupinthe3rd on 23rd Sep 2011, 2:00 PM

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Here's a little snip-it from the story:

While I was exiting Kroger, something unpredictable happened: I fell into a hole. That's right, a HOLE. I didn't really know where it came from, but I just assumed it was one of those holes that lead to the sewer. Yuck! So anyways, I fell in. "CRUD!!!" I yell-ed as I fell in. For a while, I waited for my butt to hit the ground. I just kept falling, even to the point where I got impatient and wished I could just get it over with. I looked at my watch. Ten minutes since I started falling. I sighed. When will it end? I then finally hit rock bottom. Actually concrete bottom. I winced. "ITAI!!!!!" I yelled. It hurt! I suddenly felt colder. Too cold. It was freezing here! Little white flecks decorated the scene everywhere I looked as the cold air bit at my skin. Since when does it snow in a sewer? I took a closer look at the place. What the-? I'm in an alleyway! I ran into the busy street (Busy street?). "Excuse me, Miss?" I tapped a lady on the shoulder. "Hmm?" she asked. "Where am I?" "Well you're in New York city, February 23 2001 young lady," the lady replied. She walked away as I stood there with my jaw to the floor. What the heck!?!?!? How is this possible? I don't think that nice lady was lying. What am I supposed to do? "I have no other choice than to scour the area," I said to nobody. So I walked, walked, walked, and walked. I think i've been walking for about twenty minutes now. I don't give up, even to try to warm myself from the freezing air. I'm afraid I might get hypothermia. After a few minutes, I begin to get drousy. I try to force myself awake by the power of my will, but I slip into the world full of darkness eventually.

HimitsuNotebook on 23rd Sep 2011, 2:50 PM

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While not a problem with the story itself, I'm going to have to be a bit of a Grammar Nazi here. One thing I learned pretty early on is NSNL or "New Speaker, New Line". Every time the speaker changes in a conversation, you start a new line, otherwise you end up with a 40 line of dialogue pileup and it's rather hard to read. For example, instead of:

"Excuse me, Miss?" I tapped a lady on the shoulder. "Hmm?" she asked. "Where am I?" "Well you're in New York city, February 23 2001 young lady," the lady replied.

You would do this:
"Excuse me, Miss?" I tapped a lady on the shoulder.
"Hmm?" she asked.
"Where am I?"
"Well you're in New York city, February 23 2001 young lady," the lady replied.
(On an unrelated note, for the sake of realism, if someone asked you where they were, you wouldn't give them the exact date unprompted would you? It's like those silly scenes in the Back To The Future movies where Marty would get knocked out, wake up in a dark room with someone nursing him and say "I had a horrible dream that went back in time" and his mother would say "Well, you're back in good old 1955 now". You wouldn't say that in reality, that was just so the audience would know that we are in fact in 1955 XD)

Also, do not abuse exclamation marks, it hurts their feelings. It's bad grammar to have more than one exclamation mark at the end of a sentence. And regardless of whether your character is Japanese or not, resist the urge to shoehorn in Japanese words (The original dialogue of MD had Hatsune doing an awful lot more "So kaaa!" and "Gomenasai!"-ing, I edited it out because really it's unnecessary and kind of distracting).

Now as for the story itself, It's a good start! ^_^ But for the sake of improvement, I must pick it apart somewhat (Pleas don't be mad at me o_o). It's a tad disjointed. Sentences don't quite flow together. It's kind of like "I am here. Now I'm here. I saw a tree. Then I went over there".

Allow me to elaborate here:
I looked at my watch. Ten minutes since I started falling. I sighed. When will it end? I then finally hit rock bottom. Actually concrete bottom. I winced. "ITAI!!!!!" I yelled. It hurt! I suddenly felt colder. Too cold. It was freezing here!

You could do: I glanced at my watch and sighed in irritation when I realized it had been ten minutes since I began falling. I began wondering to myself if this fall would ever end. But that exact moment, I collided quite literally with rock bottom, a hard concrete floor.
"AGH!" I cried out in pain. It was at that moment when the pain began to subside that I noticed it was absolutely freezing in here!
.

I mean it may seem a little waffley, but it doesn't feel quite so bullet pointed if you know what I mean. ^_^ It'll make it easier to read.
As for character reaction, she seems awfully blase about this whole time travel thing. I mean I know Hats takes it in her stride as well, I admit I could've done that scene better. In reality, you probably wouldn't just shrug and go "Better look around", you'd probably run around frantically, find a newspaper or something else trying to confirm that what the lady said is true, then probably cower in a corner somewhere until you've come to terms with the fact you've actually gone back in time or until someone finds you.
But you should definitely keep going, you've got a nice little story going here, these are just pointers to help you improve. ^_^

Lupinthe3rd on 23rd Sep 2011, 8:39 PM

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Thanks for the advice, Himi-chan. This was really just a rough draft and I really needed some critiquing.

HimitsuNotebook on 24th Sep 2011, 2:31 PM

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No problem! Glad to help! I hope that is helps you improve. (^_^)v
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